Tuesday, May 16, 2006

uncertainty

In just a few minutes I have to leave to go see my Neurologist. This is a Parkinsons check up, but I'm not really sure why I'm going. I just saw him in March so it seems a bit to soon to see him again. I did try some new meds for a couple weeks after seeing him in March, but discontinued them when I didn't like the effects they had. Maybe that's why I'm going to see him, to keep him up to date on my medications. I don't really know. Maybe I just need to hear him say that I'm doing fine, that the PD hasn't progressed any further. Mary thinks I am going to see him for a reason that I am not sharing with her. She thinks I may be hiding from her how I'm really feeling. But that is nonsense. I tell her everything because I need her to know what is going on so she can help me cope with this crap. I guess the doctor mainly serves as my security blanket. I go to see him for much the same reason that I carry a cane--just in case I need it. I could probably get along fine without the cane to lean on, just as I could probably get along fine without the doctor to lean on. But I may be too cautious and uncertain to go it alone without cane or doctor to support me. So what harm can it do if I go to see him or use my cane if it makes me feel better to do either? Am I rationalizing? Am I just a big sissy? Shit, I hate this uncertainty.

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