Tuesday, May 29, 2007

caught in the headlights

I should have seen it coming. I was deeply engrossed in a book (Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Team of Rivals, about Lincoln’s cabinet) and wasn’t paying close attention to what Mary was saying. She said something about showing me what she bought that day. That should have raised a bunch of red flags in my consciousness, but my consciousness was preoccupied with that book. Then when she entered the room wearing what she bought that day, I was caught like that deer in the headlights you always hear about.

“Isn’t this nice? I bought it for the wedding. What do you think?”

And then the question that every man dreads.

“It doesn’t make me look fat, does it?”

Every guy knows that there is no good answer to that question. No matter what you say she will twist it into something that makes you look like the most insensitive, insulting bonehead ever to walk the earth.

“No, of course not. You look great.”

“You mean it hides my fat?

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. It doesn’t hide your fat. I mean, you don’t have to hide anything. I like the dress. You look wonderful in it. It’s perfect.”

“ You think I’m fat and ugly and this dress hides how hideous I am, don’t you?”

“You’re not hideous. The dress doesn’t hide anything. I mean there is nothing to hide.”

“Oh, so you think I have a terrible body that I shouldn’t even try to cover up because no one would look at me anyway, right?”

At this point I am trying to edge toward the door with the intention of taking a long walk on our short pier and falling into the lake and drowning myself. But she has blocked the door with her hands-on- hips stance, effectively daring me to make a move. I thought about maybe faking a heart attack, but she would probably just let me die at that point. I settled for a coughing fit brought on by a big gulp from my wine glass. She didn’t try to help me with a slap on the back or make any kind of helpful gesture. I figured she was waiting for me to turn at least a little blue before deciding what to do with me. When I didn’t choke completely, she turned on a naked heel and stormed into the bedroom only to reappear a moment later to hurl my pillow and a token blanket on to the couch. No explanation was necessary.

The sad part is, she did look great in that dress. She’s not the least bit fat. She always dresses wonderfully. I just haven’t figured out the right words to say in the right order to avoid a repeat of that scene the next time it occurs. I’m left thinking that she was really just yanking my chain to watch me squirm a bit. After all, she did leave the bedroom door open as a sort of invitation back into her good graces.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

There really is not a good answer for that question, but we woman are not fair about it either. I try to give my man credit for trying to answer right, even if it does come out wrong. Good luck :)

Nicole

Oh great One said...

I ask my husband that question all the time. I also tease him about it too just to see what answers he can come up with. I don't take it seriously.

Turnbaby said...

I NEVER ask my DH that question (DH = Damn or Dear Husband--depends on the day)because he'll frickin say yes or no but it won't be the answer I need LOLOL

I have taken the time to learn 'his language' about this subject. So I ask him the right questions. And if I am asking--he knows one of two things--either I am fishing for compliments or being seductive by making him say how much he likes it

Works either way for me

Came over from Crystal's blog--where you are being BASHED lol but you handeled it in such an erudite and sincere fashion I had to check you out and I see you have Mr. Fab linked--can't be all bad
well except for the damn word verification;-)

Turnbaby said...

oh and to be clear--I am an excellent speller--dyslexic typist

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

OOps - there is no safe answer to this question. My husband always answered with, "It makes unable to keep my hands off you" and then he would distract me with other things until I had forgotten I had asked the question in the first place!

BobCiz said...

great one, it sounds like you enjoy yanking his chain just like Mary yanks mine. Must be a genetic thing....

turnbaby, until we guys figure out how to know what the right answer is at any given time, we will continue to suffer the consequnces.
Thanks for stopping by. The Crystal thing was actually rather interesting in a group psychology sort of way, an indication that mob action is always the easy way.
Sorry about the word varification thing, I hate it, too, but have been unable to get haloscan to work.

Rev. Kate, if I tried the "hands on" tactic, I could probably avoid answering the question directly, but then I would get scolded for wrinkling the dress. A choose your poison kind of situation.....