Tuesday, February 16, 2016

something stupid

We were just lying in bed the other night, she with her iPad, me with mine, laughing at the posts on Facebook, getting angry at the posts on Facebook, cursing and screaming at the idiots on Facebook, and then oohing and aahing
at the antics of kittens and puppies and other exotic creatures that seemed to be bred just for Facebook. All things considered, a typical late evening in Bob and Mary's bedroom. 
"Speaking of idiots," she didn't have to poke me or even look in my direction for me to know that her remark was meant for me, "you haven't posted anything on Facebook for awhile." 
"That's because you haven't done anything unusual or stupid lately to inspire me." In retrospect I probably could have, should have, left the word "stupid" sitting on my tongue. But sometimes (ok, most of the time) my mouth engages just a nanosecond before my brain has the opportunity to censor what is spewing out of my mouth. Having realized that my misbehaving mouth had once more gotten ahead of my brain, I braced myself for the onslaught of verbal and physical blows that were certain to rain down on me. I tucked a pillow as unobtrusively as possible between us to absorb some of the physical blows I was certain were about to begin, My other pillow was held tightly against my ear so I wouldn't to have to listen to the very creative use of vulgar language that she only uses on me and that she claims she learned from me. I felt I was relatively safe and ready to fend off the physical punishment I was sure was imminent. 
However, she remained calm and serene while I scrambled around the bed preparing my defenses.
" Aren't you going to even discipline me? Scold me? Tell me how disgusted you are with my behavior? Throw a pillow at me? Throw me out of the bed and onto the couch?" 
I was nearly begging for a caustic rebuke. Can you believe she was treating me so unfairly? Here I went to all that trouble building a nearly unassailable defense and she wasn't even going to mount a token attack on me. This was a new tactic that she added to her arsenal that I would have to learn how to deal with.
"No, no, I'm not going to rip your heart out and feed it to the jackels as you so richly deserve. Why you ask. Because you are right for once in your life. I have been so boring and bored for the past few weeks. You deserve a better
effort from me. I'm sorry I've been such a bad companion, such a bad wife, and that I haven't taken care of you as I should. Just let me get my mojo back and I will make it up to you. All will be right with us."
I'm not sure if I was hallucinating all that. We will just have to wait and see what she comes up with to inspire me. You'll be the first to know.

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